The Most Critical Voice in the Room
What happens when we stop believing the meanest voice in our head?
A friend recently told me that the most critical voice in his life is his spouse. I paused. For years, I would have said the same. When my husband Eric got laid off, forgot my birthday, or didn’t show up the way I wanted—I criticized him. I believed he was the reason I wasn’t happy.
But that wasn’t the truth. The truth was harder to face.
I met a spiritual teacher who wouldn’t entertain my complaints about Eric. She listened kindly but didn’t buy into my narrative. Instead, she told me I needed to work from within. At the time, it felt frustrating—like she didn’t understand. But eventually, I began to listen. And what I heard shocked me.
The most critical voice in my life… was mine.
That voice wasn’t just unkind. It was brutal. You’re a fat, friendless, worthless troll. That’s how I spoke to myself when I was tired, overwhelmed, or scared. And no one else even knew. Not even me—not really. It ran so quietly in the background, I hadn’t noticed how much it shaped my sense of self.
That was the beginning of everything—not because I suddenly loved myself, but because I realized I could stop hurting myself.
I started practicing self-compassion using tools from Dr. Kristin Neff (find her work here). I learned to notice the tone of that voice, to soften it, to speak to myself the way I would to someone I loved. It took time. But slowly, that inner critic became something gentler. Not a cheerleader, exactly—but a kind, steady presence. A friend.
This sketch isn’t finished, but I’m excited about it. It shows how I now understand the emotional journey back to myself. I call this work Joy by Design—not because joy is easy, but because it’s possible. On purpose. Even on a road paved with shame, fear, anger, and grief. (Shoutout to Tina—the designer who is helping bring my original sketch to life with such care and creativity. I’m so grateful to collaborate with someone who could so beautifully translate the heart of the idea).
I’ll be sharing more soon about the tools that helped me navigate these curves—starting with that brutal inner voice, and how I began to soften it.
So I’m wondering: Who is the most critical voice in your life? Is it someone else? Or is it you? And if it’s you—how do you begin to speak to yourself with kindness? I invite you to comment here - let’s start a conversation!
p.s. If you want access to the finished Roadmap and the tools that help you make use of it, sign up here!
I’m learning to be kinder to my older self. Recently retired, I’ve been looking inward to find my true self again without the identity of my job, although I am still connected to my work place in a small way. I honestly began to recognize who I truly am by returning to my work place for visits. People comment what they miss about me and I suddenly saw in me what others see. It has brought some confidence back too which had been fading as I become the old person among mostly younger coworkers. And it caused me to evaluate my life moving forward. I don’t need my job to continue with my good qualities. The one problem I do deal with is my aging body! I am working on acceptance of the extra pounds and such. That’s what I need to work on!
I started to soften that mean inner voice by thinking about what I would say to a friend who told me all this. So, I try to talk to myself as I do to my friends.